This year, I wanted to do something special for you, because you're probably one of the best mums in the world (I'd like to say you are the best, but I haven't had time to do the necessary research. Also, I know a bunch of people's parents have gotten them gifts/rewards for 'doing so well' on their FYPs, which is stupid anyway because we don't get the results until July, but I didn't get so much as a 'congratulations,' because you just expect these things of me. And I know I'm better off because you've given me the gift of dragging me up well enough to just get on with stuff and fulfil my responsibilities. Which is great, but a simple 'well done' would've been nice.)
I feel I may be straying off-topic. Where was I? Oh, yeah, you're a pretty good mum. So I wanted to get you something nice, but I had no ideas because I'm just so drained from all the uni projects I've completed recently, so I turned to that trusty thinking-replacement- television. There were bound to be hundreds of adverts claiming their products were perfect for Mother's Day.
There were actually surprisingly few. Apparently Gossip Girl's target demographic are soulless heathens who don't love their mothers and only care about how long their eyelashes are. And I thought that was just the characters. Still, there were a few ads that believed they were the solution to all my problems...
My Week with Marilyn on DVD
Okay, so my major issue with this being billed as the perfect present for Mother's Day was the fact that it wasn't even released until Friday, which meant there was no way you'd have it for Sunday unless I went to an actual shop. And even then, I wouldn't be able to post it to you, I'd have to deliver it in person, and that...well, that would be a delight, naturally. Also, the film stars Eddie Sodding Redmayne. Enough said.
Tickets to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Now, I know a woman who was as keen as I was to see Hugh Jackman fighting robots and Colin Farrell as a sexy vampire wouldn't dream of watching shit like this, but humour me. If I bought you the tickets, you'd feel obliged to take me with you. And then, after I'd made you buy me Minstrels and Coke at the astronomical cinema prices, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the film anyway because I'd be sighing irritably and making snarky comments about my will to live ebbing away throughout.
The M&S Meal for Four for £15
I don't have £15.
Marcus Collins' debut album
(He was on X-Factor, by the way, though the fact that I'm having to make this comment probably goes a long way to explain why I didn't get you this). A woman who has recently been to see Green Day, Panic! at the Disco and Lady Gaga was not gonna appreciate a CD by a guy who wasn't 'good' enough to win the X-Factor. I mean, sure, you like rubbish like Take That as well, but X-Factor rejects are on a whole other level.
A CD entitled Now That's What I Call Running
I'm not dumb enough to buy a CD that's working title was "You need to lose weight but I don't want to tell you so here's a really unsubtle hint." Same goes for all the anti-aging creams I saw advertised. Just which part of "Happy Mother's Day, you look old" do the cosmetics companies think sounds like a good idea? Also, and I probably should have led with this, you don't need either of these things.
I'd have to bring them to you myself and I can't stand the smell, so I'd probably end up throwing them out of the window on the M3 before I was even halfway there. And that would negate the whole coming home thing anyway.
Always risky in our family. You usually make some comment about am I trying to make you fat, which puts everyone in a really difficult position, and then get annoyed when we all pinch the chocolates and you end up with just two out of the box. There really is no pleasing you. They're just not worth it. Also, Easter eggs are so much cheaper than boxes of chocolates right now. Just saying.
So really, I was out of options. I was also out of money since I spent it all on tickets to see The Hunger Games (I didn't get you one 'cause I didn't think you'd be interested) but then I remembered that it was the thought that counts, and as you can see, I've given this a whole lot of thought. So I decided to write you a letter about what an amazing mother you are and post it on the internet for everyone to see. You're welcome.
Love Lesley xxx